There is a block again. I'm not sure if its because everywhere I turn there you are.Your face is one I can't seem to forget. Its a little sad since its not a good thing. I wish it was and I wish you would let me go and leave me to move forward but thats where me and you are different. The leaves and plants speak loudly they know the truth and i'm okay with that. I'm letting you go little one, sorry that you could never get what you wanted but thats not up to me provide. You my dear must provide that for yourself. Some shocking news that shakes one to the core. I'm sure once all the dust has settled and my hands have stopped shaking one will forget your name again like so many times before. I even laugh a little because it is that easy for me no matter what is said I know that it simply does not make the slightest bit of difference. Maybe its time to jump in the water, wearing all our clothes and smile out to the horizon. With that feeling and that knowing. This is not as it seems. Something is bubbling underneath and once its ready you will all know about it.
It all is happening once and I stop fighting. Once I allowed the birds to sing and the trees to sway in the breeze. I can't even hear them anymore I'm so far away in my mind that it doesn't bother me so much these days. It all feels like some weird dream. The voices have quietened down and I can see clearly in the space where the fog used to be. The name of you is playing on my mind but I allow it to wash over me like I'm proud to be here. I would even go as far as to say I am. Not in that arrogant way which you always thought but in that humble little way quietly whispering that it's okay and the space becomes bigger and I can feel myself loosen my grip. Even my jaw has ceased to clench. It gets bigger and better as the seconds tick by. I'm going to jump right in sooner or later, just watch me. The world will catch me and you will be waiting behind the scenes.
The scratch on my wrist is all the way across the front and even around the back. It's strange that it looks like a constellation somehow. I never heard that word so much since moving to this place. Words lose their meaning and turn into something else. Isn't it that everything turns into something else? Theses days my voice stands out like a sore thumb but I like it somehow. I've always liked being different to the rest. Where is the fun in being the same? The same as the next person, the same as that man who lives 5 streets away, the same as her. Well I guess we are all different in our own ways. I like the quirks and funny things that are not the same as the rest. My fingers are numb from the cold and I want to hold on to this a little longer but my grip is getting looser by the second and then it happens. I drop it all in the water and you are no where to be seen. Where are the things that happened in times gone by? Somehow it changed when you said that word. We all have words that slip out in difficult times. they are the things that make us. I'm sad that it isn't that way anymore. But then I remember that things have to be different for me to change and that old smile creeps across my face again. The sun is rising and everything is turning yellow. I turn my face towards the sun and I can't seem anything anymore. Leave me this way for a moment longer.
That word. That time. You me and a big jack in a box or was it a pirate ship? I can't quite remember but I know how it felt. I always know how it feels. I can never escape the feelings. Some people can easily block it away. Well I've been running my whole life and now there are no distractions and I have to face myself. The balloon has burst and its messy like that game on fun house. We used to watch it religiously when we were kids and you always wanted to be one of the twins and I wanted to be Pat Sharp. I don't know why but it just made sense somehow in my mind. It must have been his 80s mullet or bad choice of clothes.
But we don't live on the same street anymore and all those things I use to hate I'm starting to fall in love with. I'm clinging on to them and trying to get back to before. I've lost a part of myself and I'm slowly turning into something else. It's okay. I'm used to it now. Quick give me back my balloon I need to cover my face. The mask is slipping through and I can't cover quite the mistakes like I used to. They are all over the pavement for everyone to see. Distract them while I cover up the mess.
One of my legs is hanging off. I'm not sure how it got to this but we are here. We are here and you are hiding around the back like you always do. I'm not sure why you do it but it's a habit that you started way back when we were kids and now it's something I don't notice so much or think is strange. In fact its one of the things I like about you the most. We are hiding out and you are calling my name, not my real one but the nickname you gave to me that year when all the trees and plants died in our garden. No one knows about our secrets. No one knows about the things we do and I like it that way. Let's take all our clothes off and run into the water. First I want to dip my toe in and we will dive right in. I'm holding your hand underneath the water like I always do. I said I was sorry about yesterday but you can't hear me any more. You swam too far away and now a storm is coming. I'm scared I will not be able to reach you any more. Come back to me. Come back to me and let's tell each other things we don't tell anyone else. I'm waiting for you.
I was running through the empty streets. It was so dark except for the flickering of the old lamp post. I knew you wouldn't come so I went without you. Its always better that way. It hurts but I know its the right thing to let you go. I'm not the same when you're around. I can't quite put my finger on what it is but some thing's not quite right. I feel the leaves fall through my fingers as I reach out towards the bushes its wet and cold just like our house is. Something changed that day I knew it would. But I couldn't quite help it. It felt like I was holding my breath and if I did so for any longer I would have dropped down dead. So I blurted it out and I shocked myself.
And we are here again. Yes I know, again. Who would believe it. You know it and I know it. Its the same old thing. Its pulling at my sleeves, tugging at my ankles and trying to get into my right shoe. I tuck my trousers into my socks to try to stop it. But its no use. They are always sneaking around thats what they do. Any possible way to make themselves heard. The colours are so vibrant. And all I can hear is screaming. My ears of bleeding from the incessent noise its relentless. It makes me sad and I want to cry. But its no use I can't. The tears they will not come. Its not the time nor the place for things such as these. I'm walking down that same old street, the cracks in the pavement bring me comfort.
Everyone around me is talking in ways I dont understand. I can't quite grasp it and why it feels like this.
How can we wish for it to be any different? That smell that beautiful smell I can't get enough of and I'm calm again.
Im laughing and I can't stop myself. And I'm finally free.
Yes it’s the feeling again, written all over the floor I want to write all over your walls and never come back. But I always end up back here with one shoe missing and the other broken. I lost my laces somewhere along the way. Everything passes by in a blur like when I was inside that balloon. Why do they always take over and cover my ears so I can't hear things properly. They distract me and lead me back to you. Then the balloon pops and I'm back. Back to me who knows exactly what I need without any ones approval. It's the feelings again. They come back every now again and they take over. It’s beyond reason and I know it’s hard for you to understand But what can I say? It’s the feelings again. I've always been this way. I change and they come back. I stay they same and they are with me hiding in my pockets and up my sleeves. It’s like when I turn the taps off and it’s keep dripping out and then it’s turning red and it’s everywhere. All over the bathroom floor like and you would have thought it would never disappear. I love the colour red. It’s just well you know, how can I say? What I mean is, it just gives me that feeling. You know the one. Yes. That one.
The realisations comes thick and fast. No what am I saying in fact they come slowly and softly more like a mother whispering a lullaby to her new baby rather than a toddler stamping his feet. They keep coming and it's only now I've taken the time to stop they are telling me what I've needed to hear for years. It's okay. It’s actually okay I'm not scared any more. Who am I to judge the things that happened in times gone by. I can still run through the trees with my hair around my shoulders blowing in the wind I can still speak with you on Sundays and hold your hand under the blankets. We can still speak Japanese and pretend we don't hear them. I can still drink my cup of tea and pretend I'm the queen. I can eat my breakfast in front of them all and no one even notices that it’s me. Yes the one who used to hide and never seek for this way of life. I'm half way over the fence and I'm enjoying the feeling. Knowing you are on the other side patiently waiting for me playing in the leaves.
There are always those times where my hands are not able to reach out and touch you. I want to but I just can't quite seem to do it. I'm not sure if it's the voices I hear outside my window. They are having their own conversations attempting to make right of what is. Or if it's something more than this. It's always something more than this. The flowers are covering everything in a way which I like. The colours are so vibrant and I pick off the leaves and throw them out of the window one by one. I'm letting go of times gone by in hopes that you will come back to me and take me away from this place. I'm always letting go. I wait in hope that one day it will come where I can do this for myself. Waiting is so painful and takes me on this journey into the abyss where everyone we know is talking to each other in that language we both like. It's the language that makes no sense to others. The one that we made up when we were 5 and use to hide under my bed hoping no one would find us. My mum would shout and try to make us do things we no longer wanted to do like obsessively clean things that did not need cleaning. Fun was not in her vocabulary neither was relaxing. I like the way we rebelled as though we were somehow different and above this world. We have always been different and that's what I like the most about you. My fingers touch that scar which I love. I have to check to see if it's still there everyday. If it ever went away I'm not sure what I would do. But that's the beauty of scars they may fade but will never leave us. Bigger and better things are coming our way and we sit and wait whilst sipping tea. Sssh let's pretend we are not here and count the stains that are covering my window.