There is a sense of relief, walking through the empty spaces. There are so many things I can do, no one can see me and I am free. I have a mission and you are not the one to know what these things are for me to do. My fingers are numb and want to break free. The mark on my wrist gives me an edge. I don't know what it is. I always like the marks and things that are worn in. The box is too small for me now, I've broken through the edges and its feels strange but in a good way like something new is happening and I like it. I like the taste of things that are yet to come. The unknown is exciting and revealing something that no bodies can capture. I like things to be let to there own devices. So much can happen in this unknown space. Its where dreams are made. That dream I had when I was 5 that kept repeating itself and there was a cat in my garden that refuses to leave. I tried to chase him but he somehow managed to get away but still stay in the garden. It makes no sense in that way that dreams manage to. It feels good and Im calling out for more. Give me more so I can bathe in the goodness of all these beautiful things I thought I had lost along the way. Im running towards them and who knows what will happen.
I open it up and it all comes flooding back. I'm sorry I left you for so long. But you are not what I thought. You were here waiting patiently for me to realise that this will never go away. My mind is filled with ideas again and its so simple once I allow myself the time to indulge. I will be back more often that is what I promise. But for now lets enjoy the feeling of the rain falling on my face ever so softly. I love dancing in the rain. Its that feeling that I can't describe. Its too good to be true and so are you. Its dripping down my neck and down my spine. I wish for all the things I see in my dreams to come back to me once again. And I'm running, running towards all that is good for me. Its happening its really really happening. A smile creeps in and you turn away.
The air is getting clearer each and every day. I always like days like today. I woke up late and sat beside the open window. The breeze is caressing my face I can hear distance sounds of children playing. I feel free like no one is needing or wanting any thing from me. This feels good like when I dip my hand deep into the sand. Its my secret. The breeze is warm and I'm walking bare foot down the path that leads to where you are. You are always there standing waiting with a big grin on your face. You make your way to that swing we both love and we laugh out loud like children. I could stay here for hours singing lullaby's into the well hoping our dreams and secrets reach the bottom and are safe there. I always wanted to reach the bottom but its too far down and your arms are not long enough to reach and neither are mine. I try with my foot and point my toes but that doesn't work either. You hold your wet hand out to touch my hair but I'm already climbing that old tree we love. The one with branches that are breaking with every step. You follow me up as we reach towards the limitless sky. We hug and know we can do anything. Even though we are older now. Our dreams are still there waiting for us to pick them up and fly away. I drop a leaf down towards the dirty ground and I let go. I'm falling through the air and I fear nothing. You will be there to catch me like you always do.
It happened so fast. I wasn't sure somehow at first but then I was certain. You seemed different. The leaves were falling off their branches and I was running away from you. I almost managed it then you caught me. That was years ago and now we are grey and old. My face has wrinkles and I finally look my age. Some how the years caught up with me in the end. But it's better this way. I like it better than before. I'm more myself than I ever was without the wrinkles and all the scars. They cover my body like tattoos. You trace them with your fingers and push your glasses up your nose. I'm wringing out the old cloth to wipe the mess that was left behind. Your voice is getting quieter and quieter until one day it stops and I'm left with the space where you used to be. I'm always leaving and never arriving. You are always arriving and never leaving. One day my darling we will be together again for now in my dreams will have to do. I hold your glasses in my hand and fall asleep to be next to you again.
There is a knot in the wire. You think that is so easy to undo it but my darling you are wrong. It's not as easy as it used to be. Things are getting harder and harder these days. There are the times when things are falling out of my window and I want to try and stop them but its no use. The are always out of reach and falling like that strange film where frogs are falling from the sky. It hurts but its the truth. The truth is banging on the window like a bird who will not stop singing in my ear.
My ears are hurting from all of the chaos that surrounds us. It's there and nothing can break it down. My socks are wet again, I always walk in the puddles no matter how many times or whatever I do to try to dodge them, it happens. I'm used to it now. I like being bare foot and walking around like nothing matters. I can feel the mud in between my toes and you are smiling as though some how this is the funniest thing you have ever seen. Well my dear you are quite funny your self. I love laughing with you.
The chaos is calling my name again and I'm running down the street and I almost make it out of site and then it catches up with me as though its faster somehow. It's probably because I'm running in slow motion like the way it happens in my dreams. No matter how hard I push my body refuses to budge and keeps going at this monotonous pace. My dreams are filled with beauty and the things that past us by and are yet to come.
I can hear the sounds of the treadmill buzzing in the background and coming up through the floor boards. You are hammering aways again in the basement. Who knows what you are doing down there but it makes me smile that you have your projects and I have mine. That's what I like about us.
There is a block again. I'm not sure if its because everywhere I turn there you are.Your face is one I can't seem to forget. Its a little sad since its not a good thing. I wish it was and I wish you would let me go and leave me to move forward but thats where me and you are different. The leaves and plants speak loudly they know the truth and i'm okay with that. I'm letting you go little one, sorry that you could never get what you wanted but thats not up to me provide. You my dear must provide that for yourself. Some shocking news that shakes one to the core. I'm sure once all the dust has settled and my hands have stopped shaking one will forget your name again like so many times before. I even laugh a little because it is that easy for me no matter what is said I know that it simply does not make the slightest bit of difference. Maybe its time to jump in the water, wearing all our clothes and smile out to the horizon. With that feeling and that knowing. This is not as it seems. Something is bubbling underneath and once its ready you will all know about it.
It all is happening once and I stop fighting. Once I allowed the birds to sing and the trees to sway in the breeze. I can't even hear them anymore I'm so far away in my mind that it doesn't bother me so much these days. It all feels like some weird dream. The voices have quietened down and I can see clearly in the space where the fog used to be. The name of you is playing on my mind but I allow it to wash over me like I'm proud to be here. I would even go as far as to say I am. Not in that arrogant way which you always thought but in that humble little way quietly whispering that it's okay and the space becomes bigger and I can feel myself loosen my grip. Even my jaw has ceased to clench. It gets bigger and better as the seconds tick by. I'm going to jump right in sooner or later, just watch me. The world will catch me and you will be waiting behind the scenes.
The scratch on my wrist is all the way across the front and even around the back. It's strange that it looks like a constellation somehow. I never heard that word so much since moving to this place. Words lose their meaning and turn into something else. Isn't it that everything turns into something else? Theses days my voice stands out like a sore thumb but I like it somehow. I've always liked being different to the rest. Where is the fun in being the same? The same as the next person, the same as that man who lives 5 streets away, the same as her. Well I guess we are all different in our own ways. I like the quirks and funny things that are not the same as the rest. My fingers are numb from the cold and I want to hold on to this a little longer but my grip is getting looser by the second and then it happens. I drop it all in the water and you are no where to be seen. Where are the things that happened in times gone by? Somehow it changed when you said that word. We all have words that slip out in difficult times. they are the things that make us. I'm sad that it isn't that way anymore. But then I remember that things have to be different for me to change and that old smile creeps across my face again. The sun is rising and everything is turning yellow. I turn my face towards the sun and I can't seem anything anymore. Leave me this way for a moment longer.
That word. That time. You me and a big jack in a box or was it a pirate ship? I can't quite remember but I know how it felt. I always know how it feels. I can never escape the feelings. Some people can easily block it away. Well I've been running my whole life and now there are no distractions and I have to face myself. The balloon has burst and its messy like that game on fun house. We used to watch it religiously when we were kids and you always wanted to be one of the twins and I wanted to be Pat Sharp. I don't know why but it just made sense somehow in my mind. It must have been his 80s mullet or bad choice of clothes.
But we don't live on the same street anymore and all those things I use to hate I'm starting to fall in love with. I'm clinging on to them and trying to get back to before. I've lost a part of myself and I'm slowly turning into something else. It's okay. I'm used to it now. Quick give me back my balloon I need to cover my face. The mask is slipping through and I can't cover quite the mistakes like I used to. They are all over the pavement for everyone to see. Distract them while I cover up the mess.
One of my legs is hanging off. I'm not sure how it got to this but we are here. We are here and you are hiding around the back like you always do. I'm not sure why you do it but it's a habit that you started way back when we were kids and now it's something I don't notice so much or think is strange. In fact its one of the things I like about you the most. We are hiding out and you are calling my name, not my real one but the nickname you gave to me that year when all the trees and plants died in our garden. No one knows about our secrets. No one knows about the things we do and I like it that way. Let's take all our clothes off and run into the water. First I want to dip my toe in and we will dive right in. I'm holding your hand underneath the water like I always do. I said I was sorry about yesterday but you can't hear me any more. You swam too far away and now a storm is coming. I'm scared I will not be able to reach you any more. Come back to me. Come back to me and let's tell each other things we don't tell anyone else. I'm waiting for you.