It's one of those days when things are not the way they should be. The feelings are bubbling underneath and you are there. The pit of my stomach is yearning. You are always there and it hurts me to know that this is the way it will be for now. The waves are crashing at the side on my house and I can feel myself being pulled under. I wish for things that are yet to happen. Like that drip to stop coming out of my tap. I've tried to tighten my grip but its not working. It never works I'm not strong enough anymore. I have plaits in my hair and know that soon it will be time for them to come undone. I will wait patiently by the edge of the sea and maybe you will happen to walk by and everything will be the way it should be again. Things will have changed, wait what am I saying things have changed. I've changed and I make secret wishes and whisper them to the ocean so no one but the big wide world can hear me. Tear fall out of my eyes and I realise that red is not a colour I like anymore and I can hear my name in the distance.
The branch broke straight down the middle, in a perfect line. I thought it would last forever but the cracks started to show and became ever more clear like the jelly that fails to set in my fridge. There are certain words that I dislike, it is not as though the words have done anything to me they just don't leave my mouth in a way that I like or that sounds like they are meant to. I've never been beautiful, words just come out in a hurry and fall out all over the place like when you open a packet of rice the wrong way and the little pieces go everywhere. Thats what it's like when I try to talk. I envy you, you and your soft way of speaking, that is kind to others ears. That voice that is beautiful in many ways, more ways that I can write down here. its like a stream flowing past my ear drums and melts my heart. My heart jumps when I hear it. It has been such a long time but I know it's you. It doesn't make sense to everyone else. We can't expect them to understand. It might not make sense to them but to us is plain and simple. I can imagine the softness of your words melting into my ears. I'm sat waiting patiently for once until I hear them again...
The sound surrounding us is like the thought of drowning which I can only imagine is being trapped in a endless sea of suffering. Like death, that helpful reminder than all could be lost in an instant or being trapped inside my mind like the man on the diving bell and the butterfly only he didn't die and was trapped without being able to talk. The feeling overwhelms but keeps me calm, like that feeling of being under water but knowing you can surface at any moment. My brain is running a million miles an hour and then I close my eyes and it stops, everything slow down and I can see clearly. My mind is empty, like that time you decide to empty your bag out and feel how clean everything has become. Like that weird advert I also remember of the woman putting everything she eats in her handbag rather than in the bin. This emptying is important to make things right again. I've spent many years re-living whats wrong and I can see now, what I could not before os so I think. Its only a matter of perception but its true for me today. I'm sorry it took me so long, I'll be with you one day without all the frills and fancy clothing. I'll be wearing my odd socks one with a hole in the toe and the other that has seen better days. I like that I'm now able to wear them it used to be different.
There is the incessant noise of the comings and goings from the voice inside my head. There is so much pain that is dripping out all over the place. It's messy like blood smearing everywhere. In an attempt to clean it up I am dropping things all over the floor. My hands are failing em these days. Age is taking its grip and pulling me closer to the end. I'm reaching out trying grasp the last little bits and I can't get to them anymore. The sadness consumes me and I can barely breath like the night terrors that use to consume you. They took you away and left me alone. I know you are safe somewhere out of reach but i'm still holding on with the last thread of the hope. I'll never forget you don't you worry about that. but maybe you don't worry about things such as these anymore. Come back to me and shield me from the pain, but the voices shield but also numb me. When I was 4 I really wanted to dance but dance was not for me. It went away like everything else. It's muddy and ugly like my face sometimes feels. Today is one of those days when the bubble is clouding my view from all that is true. I wish the bubble would leave me alone but my fingers are not working like they used to. I can't move it away. It will not budge. I'm scared this will be the end of everything I know to be true.
There is a sense of relief, walking through the empty spaces. There are so many things I can do, no one can see me and I am free. I have a mission and you are not the one to know what these things are for me to do. My fingers are numb and want to break free. The mark on my wrist gives me an edge. I don't know what it is. I always like the marks and things that are worn in. The box is too small for me now, I've broken through the edges and its feels strange but in a good way like something new is happening and I like it. I like the taste of things that are yet to come. The unknown is exciting and revealing something that no bodies can capture. I like things to be let to there own devices. So much can happen in this unknown space. Its where dreams are made. That dream I had when I was 5 that kept repeating itself and there was a cat in my garden that refuses to leave. I tried to chase him but he somehow managed to get away but still stay in the garden. It makes no sense in that way that dreams manage to. It feels good and Im calling out for more. Give me more so I can bathe in the goodness of all these beautiful things I thought I had lost along the way. Im running towards them and who knows what will happen.
I open it up and it all comes flooding back. I'm sorry I left you for so long. But you are not what I thought. You were here waiting patiently for me to realise that this will never go away. My mind is filled with ideas again and its so simple once I allow myself the time to indulge. I will be back more often that is what I promise. But for now lets enjoy the feeling of the rain falling on my face ever so softly. I love dancing in the rain. Its that feeling that I can't describe. Its too good to be true and so are you. Its dripping down my neck and down my spine. I wish for all the things I see in my dreams to come back to me once again. And I'm running, running towards all that is good for me. Its happening its really really happening. A smile creeps in and you turn away.
The air is getting clearer each and every day. I always like days like today. I woke up late and sat beside the open window. The breeze is caressing my face I can hear distance sounds of children playing. I feel free like no one is needing or wanting any thing from me. This feels good like when I dip my hand deep into the sand. Its my secret. The breeze is warm and I'm walking bare foot down the path that leads to where you are. You are always there standing waiting with a big grin on your face. You make your way to that swing we both love and we laugh out loud like children. I could stay here for hours singing lullaby's into the well hoping our dreams and secrets reach the bottom and are safe there. I always wanted to reach the bottom but its too far down and your arms are not long enough to reach and neither are mine. I try with my foot and point my toes but that doesn't work either. You hold your wet hand out to touch my hair but I'm already climbing that old tree we love. The one with branches that are breaking with every step. You follow me up as we reach towards the limitless sky. We hug and know we can do anything. Even though we are older now. Our dreams are still there waiting for us to pick them up and fly away. I drop a leaf down towards the dirty ground and I let go. I'm falling through the air and I fear nothing. You will be there to catch me like you always do.
It happened so fast. I wasn't sure somehow at first but then I was certain. You seemed different. The leaves were falling off their branches and I was running away from you. I almost managed it then you caught me. That was years ago and now we are grey and old. My face has wrinkles and I finally look my age. Some how the years caught up with me in the end. But it's better this way. I like it better than before. I'm more myself than I ever was without the wrinkles and all the scars. They cover my body like tattoos. You trace them with your fingers and push your glasses up your nose. I'm wringing out the old cloth to wipe the mess that was left behind. Your voice is getting quieter and quieter until one day it stops and I'm left with the space where you used to be. I'm always leaving and never arriving. You are always arriving and never leaving. One day my darling we will be together again for now in my dreams will have to do. I hold your glasses in my hand and fall asleep to be next to you again.
There is a knot in the wire. You think that is so easy to undo it but my darling you are wrong. It's not as easy as it used to be. Things are getting harder and harder these days. There are the times when things are falling out of my window and I want to try and stop them but its no use. The are always out of reach and falling like that strange film where frogs are falling from the sky. It hurts but its the truth. The truth is banging on the window like a bird who will not stop singing in my ear.
My ears are hurting from all of the chaos that surrounds us. It's there and nothing can break it down. My socks are wet again, I always walk in the puddles no matter how many times or whatever I do to try to dodge them, it happens. I'm used to it now. I like being bare foot and walking around like nothing matters. I can feel the mud in between my toes and you are smiling as though some how this is the funniest thing you have ever seen. Well my dear you are quite funny your self. I love laughing with you.
The chaos is calling my name again and I'm running down the street and I almost make it out of site and then it catches up with me as though its faster somehow. It's probably because I'm running in slow motion like the way it happens in my dreams. No matter how hard I push my body refuses to budge and keeps going at this monotonous pace. My dreams are filled with beauty and the things that past us by and are yet to come.
I can hear the sounds of the treadmill buzzing in the background and coming up through the floor boards. You are hammering aways again in the basement. Who knows what you are doing down there but it makes me smile that you have your projects and I have mine. That's what I like about us.
There is a block again. I'm not sure if its because everywhere I turn there you are.Your face is one I can't seem to forget. Its a little sad since its not a good thing. I wish it was and I wish you would let me go and leave me to move forward but thats where me and you are different. The leaves and plants speak loudly they know the truth and i'm okay with that. I'm letting you go little one, sorry that you could never get what you wanted but thats not up to me provide. You my dear must provide that for yourself. Some shocking news that shakes one to the core. I'm sure once all the dust has settled and my hands have stopped shaking one will forget your name again like so many times before. I even laugh a little because it is that easy for me no matter what is said I know that it simply does not make the slightest bit of difference. Maybe its time to jump in the water, wearing all our clothes and smile out to the horizon. With that feeling and that knowing. This is not as it seems. Something is bubbling underneath and once its ready you will all know about it.