There is nothing like this. My dreams have been chasing you for quite some time and they have somehow caught up. One of these days my scar will be covered with this feeling. The waves are hitting the sides of everything I know to be true. My face is hurting from the constant thrashing but I know it will be okay. This seems like a shock to the system. It doesn't mean what you think, it never does. There is always something hidden lurking underneath the surface but that's okay. I can feel the cold air fill my lungs and my chest feels like it could burst. It is over flowing with things that have been in my dreams long before this moment. I'm not sure if you have discovered it but is on the periphery, well it has been for a while now. There is no escaping this. The water is running deep through my veins. We can see what's underneath. I've never been one for superficial things and neither have you. We will run hand in hand into the water and you will be by my side and we will be free. This is happening on a level beyond our own understanding and we trust, we trust that things sometimes work, just because.
It is alright, it's alright. I feel it in my bones. You succumbed your self to the same old ways. Temptation got the better of you I see. Which makes sense to me, you haven't changed enough to see what everyone else can. But that's okay, one day you will learn the things and you will be free. Maybe you will be old and grey but they won't mind. Letting it all go like throwing the dirty dish water down the drain. I never did understand the hold it had over you. But then I'm different to most and I like that. Looking the same never did appeal to minds such as mine. My mind is seeking the deeper way of life, the one in which everything becomes clear like when you polish the ornaments in the living room. I remember that year when I fell into the pond in our garden straight into the dead fish that was floating on the surface. I was so scared but you were there the whole time holding my hand. Never let it go and we will be together in our dreams.
I call your name but you are not listening anymore. It seems as though you left me behind without so much of a care in the world. I will whisper songs into the night time in order for secrets to reveal themselves. Its only when the night time creeps in that things begin to be real and as they ought to be. I've always like the dark. It captures things that can not be seen in the midst of the everyday in which we call life, our life. Things are not what they seem anymore. We are separate for now and I will keep a piece of this locked away, protecting the very nature of everything we know to be true. It will be watered daily and sometimes I will take it out and tell all of my secrets once again, but for now its time to close the door. It's tugging on my sleeve again and I can't resist and open it once more to sneak another quick glance. You are there in all your glory and I am smiling from around the back. You know what this means because you always do.
I can't even begin to express how wonderful these things are. The ones that have been hiding for so long have found a way there way to surface. They tiptoed around and whispered just to make sure it was safe and that the coast was clear. They are touching the surface of everything as only these things can. I am sitting here smiling at how the strangest of things can begin to emerge once the space that was left behind begins to fill. The edges are rusty but that doesn't matter, perfection is the killer of all things I good. Things falling out, that overflowing drawer which barely closes, broken shoes and scars that cover your body these are the things that sit well with me. My scars are waiting to be seen by you. You will be running around in your socks the one with the hole in the toe and I will be sitting smiling waiting for you to realise what I know to be true. This is how these things are running away from us. My hair blows in the breeze as we peddle down the street on our second hand bikes. Some one is shouting us in the distance and we shout back at the top of our lungs without a care in the world. My hands try to capture part of this moment and I take a picture in my mind. One that will last forever. I can hear the sound of the water running down the pebbled street and I quickly duck underneath. It is a delicate process things such as these, we need taking care of enough to be free.
Life is so precious, there are times when this feels so strong. It is one of those days, the slightest noise wakes me from sleep and I'm back as though its happening all over again. Panic sets in and I am paralysed by everything. Visions haunt me of what I saw before it emerged. My heart is sad, sad to see the world come to this. We are so close but live on opposite sides of the fence, both pushing for what we believe to be right. I almost can't believe it. I feel protected in some way someone was looking out for me and I was thinking of you. You are always in my dreams and I wish for better things that I could not give. Some things are not possible these days. Age is not treating me well and my body is failing me. I can barely see or hear but I know what is true. Remember the leaves are there to give you a sign. I never gave up hope and will leave you letters and hide them in places for you to find one day when you're old and wrinkly. I hope you feel the joy you always wished for and laugh, I will always remembering you laughing and you eyes twinkling. I send my whispers into the night sky and hope that they will reach you someday.
There was nothing left. The leaves had all fallen away except for one. This was what I called hope in the olden days. I imagine it to be black and white like the movies. It was different some how. Some how, some how, just somehow. I like the feeling where it is safe for me to be me, it just makes sense like you have my back as though I could fall from the greatest height and you would always catch me. Like you are the family I was always looking for. You will always catch me when I fall. The space in between me and them is this feeling. This feeling as though everything makes sense. You know exactly what I mean without explanation. The others need everything spelling out but you're different. You have always been different. I crunch the leaf in my hand and it turns grey like what happens when we get old. I trace the wrinkles around your eyes each time you smile. My finger moves from side to side, repeating this familiar pattern that my body remembers without a flicker of a doubt. And you look me in the eyes one more time and then it begins again...
Knots, leaves, broken things are surrounding us. It's like barbed wire that is impossible to get around. It's really tricky and spiky but no one can deny that it is there. But its worth it if you make the effort. Like my feelings. I thought over time they would fade but they are still there. Its hard and stupid to ignore them. I can see now clearly everything that it stops me from allowing the good things. The things that matter. You can have what you want that's what they say isn't it. Well some day I believe this to be true and other times I find it hard to accept. A bit like me really. I'm like some broken old toy that got left behind, I'm half hidden under the bed but my left leg is poking out just enough to show you I'm still here. Smoke signals are sometimes needed and always wanted. Did you know that life is waiting on us? Moments are passing us by and I'm fading away with each second. The clock is ticking in the background and I'm running towards you.
It's a strange feeling to look down and see a body that does not feel like ones own. My arm is numb and feels like it is no longer a part of my body. It must have just decided to get up and leave in the middle of the night. It was so cold that night who can blame it. I always think the monsters are going to grab any limb that finds its unfortunate way out of the warm cosy bed. I try to pull the sheets around my face and cover everything but I can’t stop thinking of you. I wake up and my arms reach out for you. My fingers frantically search the bed but you are not there. I open my eyes and the realisation hits me once again. Every time I wake I'm reminded again that you’re not here anymore. I have many things I have saved up waiting to tell you and I want to hear all the secrets you don't tell anybody else but I'm in the corner dancing on my own. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck but it's a near miss. The car is moving on its own and its like a dream where I'm looking down and my life is going on but I left it along time ago. I'm somewhere else in the thick of it all and no one can reach me. I'm calling out your name but you can't hear me as so I whisper under my breath in a way that I think or at least I hope might help. I still have hope. The holes are getting bigger and the water has somehow sneaked in through the cracks. The metal is rusty and the wood is breaking. I pull a piece off and let it float down stream. Maybe it will find it's way to you. Maybe, just maybe...
There is something there I can see it but it's cloudy. Maybe its hiding and doesn't want to be found like that penny that got stuck down the side of the sofa years ago. Or was it a nickel? I like the word nickel. It leaves my mouth in a way I like and my ears welcome the sound of it. These days things come and go like the wind. It feels different and you're not hear anymore. The house is cold and empty and the floorboards creak with every footprint.
My hair is longer these days and the wrinkles cover my face and hide who I really am. I've always been hiding waiting to be found. My whole life there has been a block in the way a gap between me and them. Me and you. It was always going to stop me until it was faced. Its like a gap in the memories of times gone by. They are coming back to me sometimes slowly sometimes fast. They will reveal themselves in times to come but for now I keep the hope that the block is getting smaller and smaller and one day will fade in to non existence and everything will be fine, better than before and you will understand as you always do. We will look into each others eyes and give each other that look. The knowing look. And we will run where no one can find us and laugh. We are always laughing and no one else knows why because they don't understand. Our jokes are not funny to them. But that doesn't matter anymore and I'm with you and I feel safe. Like home.
A song is playing that only you can hear. There is a block in the way which changed everything. You are here but you are also somewhere else. It doesn't make sense but some how its does. Things can not reach you.The gramophone is playing that same old song but you can't hear it anymore. Age is a troublesome thing. Its taken you away from me, there is a shadow where your former self used to be and now just a shell of you remains. It captured parts of you that will never return but your heart remains in the places it used to be. I will crank up our favourite song and secretly wish for you to send me a sign that you are making your way back to me. We will dance like those old couples in black and white movies wearing our best clothes and everyone will remember it like we are in times where things are back to how they ought to be. Your mind will come back to earth and we will whisper about our childhood memories whilst drinking tea and stealing the chance to be how we used to be before our time is up. You fade away again and I blink and wish it was morning. I sit and waiting patiently for you to return again whilst singing a song only you can hear. You will come back when the time is right. I feel it in my bones. I sit and wait.