We have to say everything was good. I must admit that for a while I let you go in my mind. But secretly I just found different ways to distract myself. My heart never let go. You were a dream come true. My hands reached out for you and it felt like home the moment our eyes made contact. It has always felt that way. The leaves all fell off the tree and gave no sign of coming back. One by one, they just took up and left. The black hole got bigger and bigger until it suddenly decided to swallow me whole. My hands had no choice and couldn't hold on any longer. I often send you thoughts along the way down the invisible wires that are between the spaces where we used to be. There are so many these days. I'm somewhere in the middle of where you are and where I used to be. My secrets are hoping their way back to you across the waves on the empty streets. They will reach you, they know this for certain. What they will find upon their arrival it was scares me the most. They hope its the same old you laughing and smiling with a glint in your eyes.
It is funny somehow. The way we used to be. The bell is ringing constantly in the background or is it foreground. I'm not sure that the leaves will stop falling, or is it that they stopped falling months ago. You only just realised that this was the truth. The truth is something that is hard to accept but that never hides its self. It is showing up in all its glory. It is only us that try to hide our faces away from the things we know to be true. My hand reaches out and the emptiness if staring me right in the face. My face looks strange in the mirror again, you look strange in my mirror, again. It's like it's you but I'm in a dream and can not actually touch you. There are many miles between you and me. But you will always been in my dreams and I will keep you safe there and tend to your needs as much as I can. You are always safe and always free. This is our understanding and what makes us different to the rest. I knew you would be free without me. And this is the way it is for now, the emptying of all the things that have gone by makes us appear fresh faced but its not as easy as your think to remove all the things we shared. It has left imprints on your heart like those scars I love. I kiss those scars each and every night and then let it all fall away and float down the river like the way we used to be.
The clock has stopped ticking, I fell asleep somewhere along the line. I heard nothing and saw only the things that were difficult to pass by. These times are ringing in my ear and hiding all of the good stuff. The things that only you and me shared the things that are not easy for others to understand. It a complicated situation but as simple as anything could ever be. That's the thing we always found funny. We would laugh and trace the sadness with our hands as though it would flicker away in the blink of an eye. The water would wash everything away but the sadness remains. It's tapping on the window like a little bird and it's hiding in the cupboard, the one you always hid everything in to appear as though you had it all together. Putting on a front is the thing I dislike about you most. But my darling the truth will always remain. Raw and honest is just what I like. Call out to me once you let all the things go and the facade has crumbled into the abyss.
My heart is beating fast like I know what is about to happen. I wait and then nothing. Still I wait hoping to capture that beautiful smile of yours and those twinkly eyes once again. I hope that they will look my way once again. I live in hope and truth be told that's not a bad way to live. My days are filled with yearning but I know one day the waiting will pay off and we will hold hands under the covers once again and I will be the reason you smile again. Others are still worthy and we acknowledge them and give them enough to allow them to be free and find their own. But I'm not so secretly glad they are not for you and I will whisper silly things in your ear and we will know that this is what we have always dreamed of.
I sent a leaf down the river and underneath there was a note in our secret language. It's on it's way to you and I will kiss it the way I kissed those pains away, each and every time you grazed your knee. You're just as clumsy as me and I like it. My eyes are sad but one day they will see all that is to be discovered. We will travel far and wide and the children will be laughing because they know we are real. That's what I like about you most. Real is all I've ever wanted because my battered and bruised self can show up that way. I will hear your voice from across the staircase and open my door and there you will be standing waiting patiently for me.
I'm sat on the swing from our childhood garden and I can feel everything pass me by. My body hurts and so does my heart. It's like the feeling of holding your breath to avoid the disappointment. Nothing is happening. Like time has stood still and it ceases to matter. The photographs tell stories that we have long since forgotten, the memories got lost along the way. But all of those photographs are hidden for now at least. It hurts to look at them and remember when we were happy. Avoiding things never works, it always finds a way to catch up with you in the end no matter how good you hide. The cupboard under the stairs was one of my favourite hiding places until that day when everything changed. I gave up all my hiding places and told you all my secrets. but now you are listening to someone else's hidden moments. Nothing can replace the times we shared but I know this for sure, I leave notes in all the places I've been, one day they will be found and I will be like the dust that gathers after night fall, gone and no where to be found. Your fingertips will trace over these feelings and be saddened by the truth of it all.
Dust is covering everything that I know to be true. It is like powder covering my face and my eyes glisten through it. You can see me clearly as though it doesn’t matter what happens you are able to reach me. It is always you. The impossible feat of things it’s never too much for you. You take it in your stride and walk around like the ground carries you into the water. I’m also wading through trying to keep afloat just to be next to you. Then something happened and you stop seeing me the way you used to. I can’t seem to put my finger on what changed but I will never forget that moment but I felt it strongly and I could hardly breathe. I tried to stop it from happening but I knew the truth, we kept holding on for a few more moments but you were gone. I could feel it in my bones. The water was up to my ankles and now it’s to me knees. In the next breath it will cover me whole. And now I’m gone and you are still walking seamlessly in the breeze. Life has always been good for you. I try and keep believing you will return to me. I find a leaf and keep it in my pocket the one I use least often as a sign I will wait the longest time for you to come back to me. These days my eyes are tired and sad from all the waiting. I’m always waiting and you always have the upper hand. Waiting is a painful thing, because time just stops without you in it. Come back to me and tell me your secrets like we used to do when we were 5. I wish we could sit on the swings with our hair around our shoulders. I look for the leaf and realised I dropped it somewhere along the road, I frantically search for it but know I’ve lost you now.
It's funny I guess, you know it deep down but you try to avoid it as much as you can. I tried, I really did try and I can't get you out of my head or is it my heart? My heart is calling out for you but you already set sail, you swam down the river a long time ago. and I'm sad, sad to accept these things that I know to be true. You have no place for me any longer. I point my toes and try to touch the surface of all the things that past us by. I hold on to a my secret wish that I will discover all those things that I have long since forgotten. My feet always did like discovering the parts we always used to hide. I feel comfortable and safe without a care in the world. My drawers are filled to the brim with secrets I have told and saved over the years, one day you will discover them but maybe it will be too late. Time has a funny way of testing us to see if we are ready to take the plunge. Did courage find you along those cobbled streets? Are you ready yet? I've been waiting years for this moment.
The children are running around our feet again. Laughing like they always do. You know as much as me. This makes things simple in a way that I like. Its like you have the magic touch and they flock to you because they can feel that its right. They sense they things I've known along, even though they were covered in cobwebs and looked more like battle scars. I could see what was underneath from the start. The pain is growing deeper the more you have. I want more but I'm afraid to ask in case I get thrown away like some one’s old shoe. Or find myself in the deep end, struggling to see above the surface. I touch that familiar place and wish it was me rather than you. Patience has never been some thing I have ever particularly liked to be. For me this is different. I am different and sometimes I shock myself at who I have become. You might even walk past me and miss it all. But then you always wanted me to be a certain way and now I’ve broken through and sad it may be. I can't be the way you need me to be to fit into your perfect world. The little box you made for me just doesn't quite fit. I’m far to bruised and battered for perfection. My face does not reflect me well. And my arms and legs are falling out of the sides. And I can hear the children again and I smile and know I’m exactly where I need to be.
There is nothing like this. My dreams have been chasing you for quite some time and they have somehow caught up. One of these days my scar will be covered with this feeling. The waves are hitting the sides of everything I know to be true. My face is hurting from the constant thrashing but I know it will be okay. This seems like a shock to the system. It doesn't mean what you think, it never does. There is always something hidden lurking underneath the surface but that's okay. I can feel the cold air fill my lungs and my chest feels like it could burst. It is over flowing with things that have been in my dreams long before this moment. I'm not sure if you have discovered it but it is on the periphery, well it has been for a while now. There is no escaping this. The water is running deep through my veins. We can see what's underneath. I've never been one for superficial things and neither have you. We will run hand in hand into the water and you will be by my side and we will be free. This is happening on a level beyond our own understanding and we trust, we trust that things sometimes work, just because.
It is alright, it's alright. I feel it in my bones. You succumbed your self to the same old ways. Temptation got the better of you I see. Which makes sense to me, you haven't changed enough to see what everyone else can. But that's okay, one day you will learn the things and you will be free. Maybe you will be old and grey but they won't mind. Letting it all go like throwing the dirty dish water down the drain. I never did understand the hold it had over you. But then I'm different to most and I like that. Looking the same never did appeal to minds such as mine. My mind is seeking the deeper way of life, the one in which everything becomes clear like when you polish the ornaments in the living room. I remember that year when I fell into the pond in our garden straight into the dead fish that was floating on the surface. I was so scared but you were there the whole time holding my hand. Never let it go and we will be together in our dreams.