It's funny I guess, you know it deep down but you try to avoid it as much as you can. I tried, I really did try and I can't get you out of my head or is it my heart? My heart is calling out for you but you already set sail, you swam down the river a long time ago. and I'm sad, sad to accept these things that I know to be true. You have no place for me any longer. I point my toes and try to touch the surface of all the things that past us by. I hold on to a my secret wish that I will discover all those things that I have long since forgotten. My feet always did like discovering the parts we always used to hide. I feel comfortable and safe without a care in the world. My drawers are filled to the brim with secrets I have told and saved over the years, one day you will discover them but maybe it will be too late. Time has a funny way of testing us to see if we are ready to take the plunge. Did courage find you along those cobbled streets? Are you ready yet? I've been waiting years for this moment.
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The children are running around our feet again. Laughing like they always do. You know as much as me. This makes things simple in a way that I like. Its like you have the magic touch and they flock to you because they can feel that its right. They sense they things I've known along, even though they were covered in cobwebs and looked more like battle scars. I could see what was underneath from the start. The pain is growing deeper the more you have. I want more but I'm afraid to ask in case I get thrown away like some one’s old shoe. Or find myself in the deep end, struggling to see above the surface. I touch that familiar place and wish it was me rather than you. Patience has never been some thing I have ever particularly liked to be. For me this is different. I am different and sometimes I shock myself at who I have become. You might even walk past me and miss it all. But then you always wanted me to be a certain way and now I’ve broken through and sad it may be. I can't be the way you need me to be to fit into your perfect world. The little box you made for me just doesn't quite fit. I’m far to bruised and battered for perfection. My face does not reflect me well. And my arms and legs are falling out of the sides. And I can hear the children again and I smile and know I’m exactly where I need to be.
There is nothing like this. My dreams have been chasing you for quite some time and they have somehow caught up. One of these days my scar will be covered with this feeling. The waves are hitting the sides of everything I know to be true. My face is hurting from the constant thrashing but I know it will be okay. This seems like a shock to the system. It doesn't mean what you think, it never does. There is always something hidden lurking underneath the surface but that's okay. I can feel the cold air fill my lungs and my chest feels like it could burst. It is over flowing with things that have been in my dreams long before this moment. I'm not sure if you have discovered it but it is on the periphery, well it has been for a while now. There is no escaping this. The water is running deep through my veins. We can see what's underneath. I've never been one for superficial things and neither have you. We will run hand in hand into the water and you will be by my side and we will be free. This is happening on a level beyond our own understanding and we trust, we trust that things sometimes work, just because.
It is alright, it's alright. I feel it in my bones. You succumbed your self to the same old ways. Temptation got the better of you I see. Which makes sense to me, you haven't changed enough to see what everyone else can. But that's okay, one day you will learn the things and you will be free. Maybe you will be old and grey but they won't mind. Letting it all go like throwing the dirty dish water down the drain. I never did understand the hold it had over you. But then I'm different to most and I like that. Looking the same never did appeal to minds such as mine. My mind is seeking the deeper way of life, the one in which everything becomes clear like when you polish the ornaments in the living room. I remember that year when I fell into the pond in our garden straight into the dead fish that was floating on the surface. I was so scared but you were there the whole time holding my hand. Never let it go and we will be together in our dreams.
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November 2020
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