I sent a leaf down the river and underneath there was a note in our secret language. It's on it's way to you and I will kiss it the way I kissed those pains away, each and every time you grazed your knee. You're just as clumsy as me and I like it. My eyes are sad but one day they will see all that is to be discovered. We will travel far and wide and the children will be laughing because they know we are real. That's what I like about you most. Real is all I've ever wanted because my battered and bruised self can show up that way. I will hear your voice from across the staircase and open my door and there you will be standing waiting patiently for me.
My heart is beating fast like I know what is about to happen. I wait and then nothing. Still I wait hoping to capture that beautiful smile of yours and those twinkly eyes once again. I hope that they will look my way once again. I live in hope and truth be told that's not a bad way to live. My days are filled with yearning but I know one day the waiting will pay off and we will hold hands under the covers once again and I will be the reason you smile again. Others are still worthy and we acknowledge them and give them enough to allow them to be free and find their own. But I'm not so secretly glad they are not for you and I will whisper silly things in your ear and we will know that this is what we have always dreamed of.
I sent a leaf down the river and underneath there was a note in our secret language. It's on it's way to you and I will kiss it the way I kissed those pains away, each and every time you grazed your knee. You're just as clumsy as me and I like it. My eyes are sad but one day they will see all that is to be discovered. We will travel far and wide and the children will be laughing because they know we are real. That's what I like about you most. Real is all I've ever wanted because my battered and bruised self can show up that way. I will hear your voice from across the staircase and open my door and there you will be standing waiting patiently for me.
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I'm sat on the swing from our childhood garden and I can feel everything pass me by. My body hurts and so does my heart. It's like the feeling of holding your breath to avoid the disappointment. Nothing is happening. Like time has stood still and it ceases to matter. The photographs tell stories that we have long since forgotten, the memories got lost along the way. But all of those photographs are hidden for now at least. It hurts to look at them and remember when we were happy. Avoiding things never works, it always finds a way to catch up with you in the end no matter how good you hide. The cupboard under the stairs was one of my favourite hiding places until that day when everything changed. I gave up all my hiding places and told you all my secrets. but now you are listening to someone else's hidden moments. Nothing can replace the times we shared but I know this for sure, I leave notes in all the places I've been, one day they will be found and I will be like the dust that gathers after night fall, gone and no where to be found. Your fingertips will trace over these feelings and be saddened by the truth of it all.
Dust is covering everything that I know to be true. It is like powder covering my face and my eyes glisten through it. You can see me clearly as though it doesn’t matter what happens you are able to reach me. It is always you. The impossible feat of things it’s never too much for you. You take it in your stride and walk around like the ground carries you into the water. I’m also wading through trying to keep afloat just to be next to you. Then something happened and you stop seeing me the way you used to. I can’t seem to put my finger on what changed but I will never forget that moment but I felt it strongly and I could hardly breathe. I tried to stop it from happening but I knew the truth, we kept holding on for a few more moments but you were gone. I could feel it in my bones. The water was up to my ankles and now it’s to my knees. In the next breath it will cover me whole. And now I’m gone and you are still walking seamlessly in the breeze. Life has always been good for you. I try and keep believing you will return to me. I find a leaf and keep it in my pocket the one I use least often as a sign I will wait the longest time for you to come back to me. These days my eyes are tired and sad from all the waiting. I’m always waiting and you always have the upper hand. Waiting is a painful thing, because time just stops without you in it. Come back to me and tell me your secrets like we used to do when we were 5. I wish we could sit on the swings with our hair around our shoulders. I look for the leaf and realised I dropped it somewhere along the road, I frantically search for it but know I’ve lost you now.
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
November 2019
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