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I can breathe but only just

17/7/2016

Glass is everywhere. It sparkling and white.
Shattered all over the ground and I try to step forward without cutting my feet. I just about manage it but then at the last hurdle I stumble. It's always the same. But somehow I know even though it feels the same, this time its different. What a contradiction but somehow it makes sense in my mind. I'm not sure if it's the film that covers my face, as though I'm trapped in a bubble and can't get out. But somehow I know that it can be overcome. The glass is there to remind me of this. I want to roll my body all over the floor and scream at the top of my lungs but settle for a tiny whisper that allows that same old song to be revealed once again. What would it feel like to be inside a balloon? The colour is red and masking my face.

Well this is how it feels. I can breathe but only just and I can see you but only just. You can't see me but only just and I'm stuck without realising but only just.

Everything is clouded and my mind is racing mainly thoughts that would not suit anybody to have. But I'm determined this will not be forever and the more I share the less it takes over and the balloon is getting smaller and smaller.

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IMAGINARY MONSTERS

1/7/2016

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When they cut half of me away. It felt like the right thing to do. I was reluctant at first but then I let go. I gave in somehow. It was necessary. It was what I knew deep down was the thing to do. The right thing. To give me some space away from it all. To see things how they really are rather than constantly distracting myself. You know it's actually easily done. My mind is like a secret warrior trying to fight it all. Fight those imaginary monsters under my bed the ones I thought were there when I was 5. They are important to me less so now.

Right or wrong it's just the way it is. My jaw is tense from all the fighting. I fight, I kick and I scream just not in the way one would think but hidden in my dreams. It's hidden away and you can't see it. No one can. Well I say no one, the ones that matter the most can see it as though it was placed upon a giant billboard with flashing neon lights advertising my deepest darkest secrets. But that's okay. I don't mind letting them see.

My heart is breaking in places I did not know it could. And you are holding me so I don't fall like the moment before sleep creeps in. I don't want to fall asleep and miss my life. I want to be here with you, with it all. Even if it's just washing our clothes, making tea or watching that programme that we don't admit to anyone because it's silly somehow. We don't tell others these things because it's not for them. It's ours and only ours to keep. We save them in that tiny box at the back of the wardrobe.

I run around the block to see if I'm still up to it. There are no warm ups in life. I'm here. Where are you?

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TRACES THEY LEFT BEHIND

1/7/2016

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It was always you, you never even knew it but I had my heart fixed on you from the moment I took my first steps. Not you in all your glory done up, made perfect with a lick of paint and the wardrobe doors fixed up, but you broken, battered and bruised like someone’s old shoes that have seen better days. I couldn’t resist you and that’s when it all changed. I was no longer dazzled by the lights of London or the glimmer of hope and familiarity of childhood dreams that shone from the corner of the city that I called home for so many years. I was never completed satisfied, there was that incessant need of mine that I could never quite capture and fulfil.
No. Most definitely it was you. I’m still in a state of shock that you changed me so much I mean I’m nearly thirty years old for goodness sake surely I have grown up and become set in my ways by now. Well so I thought.

You are the piece of me that was missing the little bit between the cracks, like a smile that’s faded away and not duplicated with the eyes.

You just know or so they say.

Well I did know.

What’s next? I hear you cry. Well I decided it was time to allow myself the joy of getting to know you. I stumbled across my first few words feeling slightly out of my depth but knowing I was safe somehow. You made it that way and I carried on trying to get the words right so I was able to be on your level. I managed it sometimes and I saw your disappointment when I so often didn’t. But then you always said you didn’t need me to be perfect you needed me to be real. And real I am, with all stains of times gone by, shown so easily across my face. I’m not here to pretend to be someone I not. I’ve wasted too many years playing that old game. It didn’t get me anywhere apart from running around the same spot like a hamster in its wheel.

Then it hit me. You were no longer there just a distant memory of you still existed echoing in the depths of my being and I blinked to get you back and just like that. You were gone. No excuses, no fuss. Nothing.

And it was back to me again. Little old me who cries at every film and hides behind a smile because I know it’s just another disappointment to add to the trunk I have hidden in the basement. My face scarred with so many past failures visible for all the world to see. There didn’t seem to be enough room or an appropriate place to put this one. What was I supposed to do with it? Apart from jump back inside my own head which is filled with my memories and dreams of times that have past and some that are yet to come. Some stories of pirate ships, with broken sails and some of you being at the centre of it all with a balloon tied around your wrist like someone’s new toy.

It was silly I guess to think this was different. To think that somehow I could erase all of those memories that are etched in my brain. Which feel like they will fall out at any moment in order to drip out of my ears or eyes or any other orifice so they can find someone just to acknowledge their existence. And I’m back. Back to that the invisible prison I so often found myself in as a child. Why do I keep going back? I’m not sure you have the answers either but I secretly hope that you do. Surely there will be a time when things will be different or is it that I need to be different for things to change? Who knows but I hope I can keep a piece of you in that tiny box I have saved for you on my dresser. I will sing songs to you and show you things I could never have done for real.

And then somehow in a moment I was least expecting in the midst of all the sadness. It finally came, I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of it all. It was all in the blink of an eye. Who would have thought after all these years of trying it could be so easy. I let you go and found myself.

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CREATIVE WRITING

I can breathe but only just

IMAGINARY MONSTERS

TRACES THEY LEFT BEHIND

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CREATIVE WRITING

I can breathe but only just

IMAGINARY MONSTERS

TRACES THEY LEFT BEHIND﻿

Author

Archives

Categories

TRACES THEY LEFT BEHIND