I am my own obstacle. I fear and retreat once you appear to emerge from the depths of the sea. Dark storms are hiding in the wings. The stage provides comfort, a sense of safety we all need. I am seeing and hearing as if for the first time. The level of acceptance has no bounds. The call is coming, whispering ever so softly and I invite you in. This is different in a way I like. Trusting the wind will bring is where we need to be
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I am falling in and out of what we used to be. This change is permanent you see, who knew we could be this way, together yet separate. Like a bird singing softly as it perches outside my window. But wait...I am dancing in the kitchen late at night secretly so know one can see me. I am free in a way I could never have been before. You are calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me and I don't answer. I pretend I can't hear you anymore like when I was 5 and lied to the hearing specialists because I wanted it to be my secret. I used to pretend I couldn't hear them when secretly I had gone into my own world. My body remained on the earth but I, the real me was somewhere else. Always somewhere else. somewhere safe where only you and me can be. We are whispering which is my favourite thing to do and hiding out underneath the bed.
I am sitting still and I am waiting. We are here but also there. In fact we are everywhere. I am slipping through the photos of the ones from the past. Each one brought me to something new and I am thankful. The bath has started leaking again into the floorboard where we left the wine glasses from a few days ago. The little ones are calling for us again and we are pretending to hide in ways that they can always find us. They are laughing as are we. We are also laughing. I am running in my mind but know I'm safe with you. I have always been safe with you. That's why I know you feel it too as you don't play the games all the others do. We didn't want it to happen but we fell down the crack in the floorboard, that one with creak no matter how lightly we tread. Somehow this was happening way before either of us knew. In a place before time began.
I need moments in between the moments of our lives to catch up, to breathe, to think, to understand, to pause, to take stock, to just be. To not give everything away but to give to me for a moment. I always abandon myself rather than the others. I now choose me over and over in every life time. It is a risk I am willing to take, to delve into the the night and place my focus there. I am covering my ears and I can't hear you anymore. Will you still love me when I am gone or will you wait for me to return to you again? Either way I am risking it all as there is nothing more beautiful than this, living in freedom. My greatest weakness comes wrapped up as a gift from the wilderness. I run around with my shoes in my hands and I throw them one by one into the sea. I have returned to the truth and my hands of holding on lightly to everything and we sit and we whisper into the dark. The part of me that was cut away has recently been found discovered and covered in mud. I find you there also. We are together again in my dreams.
We are choosing all the things we want. We don't have to do what they say any more, no more following the rules and pretending. I was always pretending to be real but was never really there. I am holding your hand and can smell the sea air. I love certain smells, like the smell after it rains on a summers evening it brings me back to you. I am always running back to you or is it me? We are the same but somehow not the same. Contradictions are what we have always known. I am going back to the dusky road where we met in truck going nowhere on a late summer evening years before. It was so hot but we didn't mind the breeze and the laughter kept us sane. I will wait for you there to see if once more we can begin again as though it was the first time. I call your name and then I wake up. Dreams bring us back together but I know you are no longer here anymore but I can always find you in my dreams. You are safe in there until I return again.
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November 2020
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