There are knots everywhere. Tangled and torn. Difficult to undo, like most things. Sand is in my shoes and in my rucksack. Or is it backpack? I never know the way to say these things. I let my last one go down the river with all the rest. Balancing on a little raft in a way only you know how. My fridge is empty and sad. The only light is flickering and will turn out soon. Left alone in the darkness and I sit and wait for bedtime to come around again. We are about to make a move, wait for it. It's one you will like. Keep whispering until its the right time. I can feel the drips of the water on my forehead and you grab my hand and pull me closer. Its time, we are ready. We are secret warriors. Tell me again the things that no one else knows. I close my eyes and all I can hear is you. Time goes by in ways I don't understand.
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It's one of those days when things are not the way they should be. The feelings are bubbling underneath and you are there. The pit of my stomach is yearning. You are always there and it hurts me to know that this is the way it will be for now. The waves are crashing at the side on my house and I can feel myself being pulled under. I wish for things that are yet to happen. Like that drip to stop coming out of my tap. I've tried to tighten my grip but its not working. It never works I'm not strong enough anymore. I have plaits in my hair and know that soon it will be time for them to come undone. I will wait patiently by the edge of the sea and maybe you will happen to walk by and everything will be the way it should be again. Things will have changed, wait what am I saying things have changed. I've changed and I make secret wishes and whisper them to the ocean so no one but the big wide world can hear me. Tears fall out of my eyes and I realise that red is not a colour I like anymore and I can hear my name in the distance.
The branch broke straight down the middle, in a perfect line. I thought it would last forever but the cracks started to show and became ever more clear like the jelly that fails to set in my fridge. There are certain words that I dislike, it is not as though the words have done anything to me they just don't leave my mouth in a way that I like or that sounds like they are meant to. I've never been beautiful, words just come out in a hurry and fall out all over the place like when you open a packet of rice the wrong way and the little pieces go everywhere. Thats what it's like when I try to talk. I envy you, you and your soft way of speaking, that is kind to others ears. That voice that is beautiful in many ways, more ways that I can write down here. its like a stream flowing past my ear drums and melts my heart. My heart jumps when I hear it. It has been such a long time but I know it's you. It doesn't make sense to everyone else. We can't expect them to understand. It might not make sense to them but to us is plain and simple. I can imagine the softness of your words melting into my ears. I'm sat waiting patiently for once until I hear them again...
The sound surrounding us is like the thought of drowning which I can only imagine is being trapped in a endless sea of suffering. Like death, that helpful reminder than all could be lost in an instant or being trapped inside my mind like the man on the diving bell and the butterfly only he didn't die and was trapped without being able to talk. The feeling overwhelms but keeps me calm, like that feeling of being under water but knowing you can surface at any moment. My brain is running a million miles an hour and then I close my eyes and it stops, everything slow down and I can see clearly. My mind is empty, like that time you decide to empty your bag out and feel how clean everything has become. Like that weird advert I also remember of the woman putting everything she eats in her handbag rather than in the bin. This emptying is important to make things right again. I've spent many years re-living whats wrong and I can see now, what I could not before os so I think. Its only a matter of perception but its true for me today. I'm sorry it took me so long, I'll be with you one day without all the frills and fancy clothing. I'll be wearing my odd socks one with a hole in the toe and the other that has seen better days. I like that I'm now able to wear them it used to be different.
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2019
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