It's a strange feeling to look down and see a body that does not feel like ones own. My arm is numb and feels like it is no longer a part of my body. It must have just decided to get up and leave in the middle of the night. It was so cold that night who can blame it. I always think the monsters are going to grab any limb that finds its unfortunate way out of the warm cosy bed. I try to pull the sheets around my face and cover everything but I can’t stop thinking of you. I wake up and my arms reach out for you. My fingers frantically search the bed but you are not there. I open my eyes and the realisation hits me once again. Every time I wake I'm reminded again that you’re not here anymore. I have many things I have saved up waiting to tell you and I want to hear all the secrets you don't tell anybody else but I'm in the corner dancing on my own. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck but it's a near miss. The car is moving on its own and its like a dream where I'm looking down and my life is going on but I left it along time ago. I'm somewhere else in the thick of it all and no one can reach me. I'm calling out your name but you can't hear me as so I whisper under my breath in a way that I think or at least I hope might help. I still have hope. The holes are getting bigger and the water has somehow sneaked in through the cracks. The metal is rusty and the wood is breaking. I pull a piece off and let it float down stream. Maybe it will find it's way to you. Maybe, just maybe...
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There is something there I can see it but it's cloudy. Maybe its hiding and doesn't want to be found like that penny that got stuck down the side of the sofa years ago. Or was it a nickel? I like the word nickel. It leaves my mouth in a way I like and my ears welcome the sound of it. These days things come and go like the wind. It feels different and you're not hear anymore. The house is cold and empty and the floorboards creak with every footprint.
My hair is longer these days and the wrinkles cover my face and hide who I really am. I've always been hiding waiting to be found. My whole life there has been a block in the way a gap between me and them. Me and you. It was always going to stop me until it was faced. Its like a gap in the memories of times gone by. They are coming back to me sometimes slowly sometimes fast. They will reveal themselves in times to come but for now I keep the hope that the block is getting smaller and smaller and one day will fade in to non existence and everything will be fine, better than before and you will understand as you always do. We will look into each others eyes and give each other that look. The knowing look. And we will run where no one can find us and laugh. We are always laughing and no one else knows why because they don't understand. Our jokes are not funny to them. But that doesn't matter anymore and I'm with you and I feel safe. Like home. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2019
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