I am holding you up in my mind. Are we ever free to be who we want or need to be? I am sure you know this and I wish to whisper this over and over with you in my mind. I am always speaking to you. You may have long since forgotten by I have not. I don't think I will ever forget you. This is important to say somehow even if you don't know it. I am running towards rather than away from all that we want. She is looking up at me with a questioning smile and I like you all over again. I am reminded of all the special moments, lets hold hands and run along the bridge and jump into the water together yet separate. The water surrounds us filling in the spaces in between. I am with you now. Don't let me go.
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We are ready to face the day, together yet separate. This is the meaning behind the things we do not see. I am sensing these things out. Emerging through the cracks in the ceiling they come to us like fireflies in the distance. I am distanced sometimes with you. The things that scare us are what make us whole in the end. Is it the end or the beginning this is a familiar thing to us and them. Or is it you and me or perhaps we? We is a thing I like, It means more than the two of us, no one is fading in the background to allow us to exist. We all have seats at the table and we are high enough to see. I can see all that is true even if you want to turn away from this. I am not wishing to blank out moments of our lives. I want to see it all and be there in it all with us. The three of us, hold hands and I know this is how it is meant to be. The whispers in the distance of the waves of the trees and all that surrounds us. We are living near the water and we all are real. In that way that not everyone can be, my feet finally reach the ground. I don't even know how...the floorboards creak once again and I can hear you are here once again back where you belong.
There is always a sense that we are bigger than this. I'm holding my hand out. Will you ever reach me when we decide that this is over. What do the words that we do not speak say? I am always left wondering. We are entering the abyss and I am liking this more than before. I tell them secrets but also tell you. What is it we keep to ourselves. I know you are thinking of me, I feel it in my bones. I am hearing in a way I never heard before. The sounds are different. We are different, they are different. Everything is different yet the same. I know honesty is what you like but do you like me? I'm thinking we can make it through this
I am my own obstacle. I fear and retreat once you appear to emerge from the depths of the sea. Dark storms are hiding in the wings. The stage provides comfort, a sense of safety we all need. I am seeing and hearing as if for the first time. The level of acceptance has no bounds. The call is coming, whispering ever so softly and I invite you in. This is different in a way I like. Trusting the wind will bring is where we need to be
I am falling in and out of what we used to be. This change is permanent you see, who knew we could be this way, together yet separate. Like a bird singing softly as it perches outside my window. But wait...I am dancing in the kitchen late at night secretly so know one can see me. I am free in a way I could never have been before. You are calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me and I don't answer. I pretend I can't hear you anymore like when I was 5 and lied to the hearing specialists because I wanted it to be my secret. I used to pretend I couldn't hear them when secretly I had gone into my own world. My body remained on the earth but I, the real me was somewhere else. Always somewhere else. somewhere safe where only you and me can be. We are whispering which is my favourite thing to do and hiding out underneath the bed.
I am sitting still and I am waiting. We are here but also there. In fact we are everywhere. I am slipping through the photos of the ones from the past. Each one brought me to something new and I am thankful. The bath has started leaking again into the floorboard where we left the wine glasses from a few days ago. The little ones are calling for us again and we are pretending to hide in ways that they can always find us. They are laughing as are we. We are also laughing. I am running in my mind but know I'm safe with you. I have always been safe with you. That's why I know you feel it too as you don't play the games all the others do. We didn't want it to happen but we fell down the crack in the floorboard, that one with creak no matter how lightly we tread. Somehow this was happening way before either of us knew. In a place before time began.
I need moments in between the moments of our lives to catch up, to breathe, to think, to understand, to pause, to take stock, to just be. To not give everything away but to give to me for a moment. I always abandon myself rather than the others. I now choose me over and over in every life time. It is a risk I am willing to take, to delve into the the night and place my focus there. I am covering my ears and I can't hear you anymore. Will you still love me when I am gone or will you wait for me to return to you again? Either way I am risking it all as there is nothing more beautiful than this, living in freedom. My greatest weakness comes wrapped up as a gift from the wilderness. I run around with my shoes in my hands and I throw them one by one into the sea. I have returned to the truth and my hands of holding on lightly to everything and we sit and we whisper into the dark. The part of me that was cut away has recently been found discovered and covered in mud. I find you there also. We are together again in my dreams.
We are choosing all the things we want. We don't have to do what they say any more, no more following the rules and pretending. I was always pretending to be real but was never really there. I am holding your hand and can smell the sea air. I love certain smells, like the smell after it rains on a summers evening it brings me back to you. I am always running back to you or is it me? We are the same but somehow not the same. Contradictions are what we have always known. I am going back to the dusky road where we met in truck going nowhere on a late summer evening years before. It was so hot but we didn't mind the breeze and the laughter kept us sane. I will wait for you there to see if once more we can begin again as though it was the first time. I call your name and then I wake up. Dreams bring us back together but I know you are no longer here anymore but I can always find you in my dreams. You are safe in there until I return again.
We were connected by the roots of the tree. In all things I see what was never there before. Whispering into it all it sneaks into everything in a good way. Holding this and opening the gate that you fixed a long time ago. We are welcoming in something new and we are laughing as we always do right before we know what is happening. It emerges like the tidal wave in the sea. Our sea where no one else can reach us except those little ones that are holding us tight. They came to save us and bring us back to each other. The roots have intertwined and this is where we are meant to be. Our cottage over looks the landscape and the land that surrounds us keeps us safe and whispers to us softly as we make our work ready to show the world. We sit and read our books in the bath. You were there before I knew who you were, we have always been connected in this lifetime and the next. We sing out favourite lullaby and empty the bath.
I am free. I am feeling in all sorts of ways. Some would not notice that anything changes. The work is inside. You have arrived and are sitting out back. Its okay I can wear what I want and you just embrace it. We see things as they really are. This is important to us both. The need for running in the woods that surrounds our house. We moved here on a whim and its perfect for everything we need. Its our childhood dream even though we did not know each other back then. I am standing on one foot until you return again the children are laughing and we know we made it. We are exactly as we need to be. Holding each other enough for us to be free. Its simple bit not everyone understands. The mystery is all around us and nowhere to be found. Come back home and sing to us. It begins again
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