I am my own obstacle. I fear and retreat once you appear to emerge from the depths of the sea. Dark storms are hiding in the wings. The stage provides comfort, a sense of safety we all need. I am seeing and hearing as if for the first time. The level of acceptance has no bounds. The call is coming, whispering ever so softly and I invite you in. This is different in a way I like. Trusting the wind will bring is where we need to be
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I am falling in and out of what we used to be. This change is permanent you see, who knew we could be this way, together yet separate. Like a bird singing softly as it perches outside my window. But wait...I am dancing in the kitchen late at night secretly so know one can see me. I am free in a way I could never have been before. You are calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me and I don't answer. I pretend I can't hear you anymore like when I was 5 and lied to the hearing specialists because I wanted it to be my secret. I used to pretend I couldn't hear them when secretly I had gone into my own world. My body remained on the earth but I, the real me was somewhere else. Always somewhere else. somewhere safe where only you and me can be. We are whispering which is my favourite thing to do and hiding out underneath the bed.
I am sitting still and I am waiting. We are here but also there. In fact we are everywhere. I am slipping through the photos of the ones from the past. Each one brought me to something new and I am thankful. The bath has started leaking again into the floorboard where we left the wine glasses from a few days ago. The little ones are calling for us again and we are pretending to hide in ways that they can always find us. They are laughing as are we. We are also laughing. I am running in my mind but know I'm safe with you. I have always been safe with you. That's why I know you feel it too as you don't play the games all the others do. We didn't want it to happen but we fell down the crack in the floorboard, that one with creak no matter how lightly we tread. Somehow this was happening way before either of us knew. In a place before time began.
I need moments in between the moments of our lives to catch up, to breathe, to think, to understand, to pause, to take stock, to just be. To not give everything away but to give to me for a moment. I always abandon myself rather than the others. I now choose me over and over in every life time. It is a risk I am willing to take, to delve into the the night and place my focus there. I am covering my ears and I can't hear you anymore. Will you still love me when I am gone or will you wait for me to return to you again? Either way I am risking it all as there is nothing more beautiful than this, living in freedom. My greatest weakness comes wrapped up as a gift from the wilderness. I run around with my shoes in my hands and I throw them one by one into the sea. I have returned to the truth and my hands of holding on lightly to everything and we sit and we whisper into the dark. The part of me that was cut away has recently been found discovered and covered in mud. I find you there also. We are together again in my dreams.
We are choosing all the things we want. We don't have to do what they say any more, no more following the rules and pretending. I was always pretending to be real but was never really there. I am holding your hand and can smell the sea air. I love certain smells, like the smell after it rains on a summers evening it brings me back to you. I am always running back to you or is it me? We are the same but somehow not the same. Contradictions are what we have always known. I am going back to the dusky road where we met in truck going nowhere on a late summer evening years before. It was so hot but we didn't mind the breeze and the laughter kept us sane. I will wait for you there to see if once more we can begin again as though it was the first time. I call your name and then I wake up. Dreams bring us back together but I know you are no longer here anymore but I can always find you in my dreams. You are safe in there until I return again.
We were connected by the roots of the tree. In all things I see what was never there before. Whispering into it all it sneaks into everything in a good way. Holding this and opening the gate that you fixed a long time ago. We are welcoming in something new and we are laughing as we always do right before we know what is happening. It emerges like the tidal wave in the sea. Our sea where no one else can reach us except those little ones that are holding us tight. They came to save us and bring us back to each other. The roots have intertwined and this is where we are meant to be. Our cottage over looks the landscape and the land that surrounds us keeps us safe and whispers to us softly as we make our work ready to show the world. We sit and read our books in the bath. You were there before I knew who you were, we have always been connected in this lifetime and the next. We sing out favourite lullaby and empty the bath.
I am free. I am feeling in all sorts of ways. Some would not notice that anything changes. The work is inside. You have arrived and are sitting out back. Its okay I can wear what I want and you just embrace it. We see things as they really are. This is important to us both. The need for running in the woods that surrounds our house. We moved here on a whim and its perfect for everything we need. Its our childhood dream even though we did not know each other back then. I am standing on one foot until you return again the children are laughing and we know we made it. We are exactly as we need to be. Holding each other enough for us to be free. Its simple bit not everyone understands. The mystery is all around us and nowhere to be found. Come back home and sing to us. It begins again
A new beginning, and ending of sorts. I am thinking and living within in my dreams, they are speaking to me in the distance. It is always the distance. Is this the end or shall we keep on going? I am going to keep going, we need to pull through this together. We are singing from the same hymn sheet. I know its true. The times are hard but we have each other. We smile knowing we are connected beyond the obvious. I am running down the street and laughing as I feel the breeze brush past me like it is encouraging me to keep on moving forward. We moved house at exactly the right moment. Our garden overlooks everything we always wanted. I am so glad we choice this space. We chose this, we chose us, we chose her. She is part of us and we have lived multiple lifetimes together in our little bubble. You are in mine and I am in yours. Kisses land softly and I brush my my hair way from my face and look up into your eyes. This is all there is.
I have found a way that makes it possible. The hook on the wall captures your attention just long enough to distract your attention inwards. I am not in need. The secrets are not knocking at my door because they have been allowed a place to sit on my mantle piece. I am sleeping soundly. all the nights are long but warm with this knowing. I am in the knowing and it tastes sweet to know you are in on it too. We have our secrets in a way the others don't. I am holding you in mind when I think, It is often I think of you but in a way that is different somehow. I am feeling the breeze on my skin as I sit outdoors and welcome the dawn. I welcome you in and welcome you out.
We have lost the birds. It has been leading to this moment in a way no one could imagine. We are here but you are there, we can see you, we can reach out to you but we can not touch any longer. This is the way it happens in dreams. Every step you get closer it is moves further and further away and you never actually make it there. I have closed my eyes and I am whispering into distance. You will find me one day amongst the trees I have moved far away for the life we lived together. I think its best for us now. I send you love across the border but know we will be together maybe in the next life.
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August 2020
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