It's a strange feeling to look down and see a body that does not feel like ones own. My arm is numb and feels like it is no longer a part of my body. It must have just decided to get up and leave in the middle of the night. It was so cold that night who can blame it. I always think the monsters are going to grab any limb that finds its unfortunate way out of the warm cosy bed. I try to pull the sheets around my face and cover everything but I can’t stop thinking of you. I wake up and my arms reach out for you. My fingers frantically search the bed but you are not there. I open my eyes and the realisation hits me once again. Every time I wake I'm reminded again that you’re not here anymore. I have many things I have saved up waiting to tell you and I want to hear all the secrets you don't tell anybody else but I'm in the corner dancing on my own. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck but it's a near miss. The car is moving on its own and its like a dream where I'm looking down and my life is going on but I left it along time ago. I'm somewhere else in the thick of it all and no one can reach me. I'm calling out your name but you can't hear me as so I whisper under my breath in a way that I think or at least I hope might help. I still have hope. The holes are getting bigger and the water has somehow sneaked in through the cracks. The metal is rusty and the wood is breaking. I pull a piece off and let it float down stream. Maybe it will find it's way to you. Maybe, just maybe...
There is something there I can see it but it's cloudy. Maybe its hiding and doesn't want to be found like that penny that got stuck down the side of the sofa years ago. Or was it a nickel? I like the word nickel. It leaves my mouth in a way I like and my ears welcome the sound of it. These days things come and go like the wind. It feels different and you're not hear anymore. The house is cold and empty and the floorboards creak with every footprint.
My hair is longer these days and the wrinkles cover my face and hide who I really am. I've always been hiding waiting to be found. My whole life there has been a block in the way a gap between me and them. Me and you. It was always going to stop me until it was faced. Its like a gap in the memories of times gone by. They are coming back to me sometimes slowly sometimes fast. They will reveal themselves in times to come but for now I keep the hope that the block is getting smaller and smaller and one day will fade in to non existence and everything will be fine, better than before and you will understand as you always do. We will look into each others eyes and give each other that look. The knowing look. And we will run where no one can find us and laugh. We are always laughing and no one else knows why because they don't understand. Our jokes are not funny to them. But that doesn't matter anymore and I'm with you and I feel safe. Like home.
A song is playing that only you can hear. There is a block in the way which changed everything. You are here but you are also somewhere else. It doesn't make sense but some how its does. Things can not reach you.The gramophone is playing that same old song but you can't hear it anymore. Age is a troublesome thing. Its taken you away from me, there is a shadow where your former self used to be and now just a shell of you remains. It captured parts of you that will never return but your heart remains in the places it used to be. I will crank up our favourite song and secretly wish for you to send me a sign that you are making your way back to me. We will dance like those old couples in black and white movies wearing our best clothes and everyone will remember it like we are in times where things are back to how they ought to be. Your mind will come back to earth and we will whisper about our childhood memories whilst drinking tea and stealing the chance to be how we used to be before our time is up. You fade away again and I blink and wish it was morning. I sit and waiting patiently for you to return again whilst singing a song only you can hear. You will come back when the time is right. I feel it in my bones. I sit and wait.
There are knots everywhere. Tangled and torn. Difficult to undo, like most things. Sand is in my shoes and in my rucksack. Or is it backpack? I never know the way to say these things. I let my last one go down the river with all the rest. Balancing on a little raft in a way only you know how. My fridge is empty and sad. The only light is flickering and will turn out soon. Left alone in the darkness and I sit and wait for bedtime to come around again. We are about to make a move, wait for it. It's one you will like. Keep whispering until its the right time. I can feel the drips of the water on my forehead and you grab my hand and pull me closer. Its time, we are ready. We are secret warriors. Tell me again the things that no one else knows. I close my eyes and all I can hear is you. Time goes by in ways I don't understand.
It's one of those days when things are not the way they should be. The feelings are bubbling underneath and you are there. The pit of my stomach is yearning. You are always there and it hurts me to know that this is the way it will be for now. The waves are crashing at the side on my house and I can feel myself being pulled under. I wish for things that are yet to happen. Like that drip to stop coming out of my tap. I've tried to tighten my grip but its not working. It never works I'm not strong enough anymore. I have plaits in my hair and know that soon it will be time for them to come undone. I will wait patiently by the edge of the sea and maybe you will happen to walk by and everything will be the way it should be again. Things will have changed, wait what am I saying things have changed. I've changed and I make secret wishes and whisper them to the ocean so no one but the big wide world can hear me. Tear fall out of my eyes and I realise that red is not a colour I like anymore and I can hear my name in the distance.
The branch broke straight down the middle, in a perfect line. I thought it would last forever but the cracks started to show and became ever more clear like the jelly that fails to set in my fridge. There are certain words that I dislike, it is not as though the words have done anything to me they just don't leave my mouth in a way that I like or that sounds like they are meant to. I've never been beautiful, words just come out in a hurry and fall out all over the place like when you open a packet of rice the wrong way and the little pieces go everywhere. Thats what it's like when I try to talk. I envy you, you and your soft way of speaking, that is kind to others ears. That voice that is beautiful in many ways, more ways that I can write down here. its like a stream flowing past my ear drums and melts my heart. My heart jumps when I hear it. It has been such a long time but I know it's you. It doesn't make sense to everyone else. We can't expect them to understand. It might not make sense to them but to us is plain and simple. I can imagine the softness of your words melting into my ears. I'm sat waiting patiently for once until I hear them again...
The sound surrounding us is like the thought of drowning which I can only imagine is being trapped in a endless sea of suffering. Like death, that helpful reminder than all could be lost in an instant or being trapped inside my mind like the man on the diving bell and the butterfly only he didn't die and was trapped without being able to talk. The feeling overwhelms but keeps me calm, like that feeling of being under water but knowing you can surface at any moment. My brain is running a million miles an hour and then I close my eyes and it stops, everything slow down and I can see clearly. My mind is empty, like that time you decide to empty your bag out and feel how clean everything has become. Like that weird advert I also remember of the woman putting everything she eats in her handbag rather than in the bin. This emptying is important to make things right again. I've spent many years re-living whats wrong and I can see now, what I could not before os so I think. Its only a matter of perception but its true for me today. I'm sorry it took me so long, I'll be with you one day without all the frills and fancy clothing. I'll be wearing my odd socks one with a hole in the toe and the other that has seen better days. I like that I'm now able to wear them it used to be different.
There is the incessant noise of the comings and goings from the voice inside my head. There is so much pain that is dripping out all over the place. It's messy like blood smearing everywhere. In an attempt to clean it up I am dropping things all over the floor. My hands are failing me these days. Age is taking its grip and pulling me closer to the end. I'm reaching out trying grasp the last little bits and I can't get to them anymore. The sadness consumes me and I can barely breath like the night terrors that use to consume you. They took you away and left me alone. I know you are safe somewhere out of reach but i'm still holding on with the last thread of the hope. I'll never forget you don't you worry about that. but maybe you don't worry about things such as these anymore. Come back to me and shield me from the pain, but the voices shield but also numb me. When I was 4 I really wanted to dance but dance was not for me. It went away like everything else. It's muddy and ugly like my face sometimes feels. Today is one of those days when the bubble is clouding my view from all that is true. I wish the bubble would leave me alone but my fingers are not working like they used to. I can't move it away. It will not budge. I'm scared this will be the end of everything I know to be true.
There is a sense of relief, walking through the empty spaces. There are so many things I can do, no one can see me and I am free. I have a mission and you are not the one to know what these things are for me to do. My fingers are numb and want to break free. The mark on my wrist gives me an edge. I don't know what it is. I always like the marks and things that are worn in. The box is too small for me now, I've broken through the edges and its feels strange but in a good way like something new is happening and I like it. I like the taste of things that are yet to come. The unknown is exciting and revealing something that no bodies can capture. I like things to be let to there own devices. So much can happen in this unknown space. Its where dreams are made. That dream I had when I was 5 that kept repeating itself and there was a cat in my garden that refuses to leave. I tried to chase him but he somehow managed to get away but still stay in the garden. It makes no sense in that way that dreams manage to. It feels good and Im calling out for more. Give me more so I can bathe in the goodness of all these beautiful things I thought I had lost along the way. Im running towards them and who knows what will happen.
I open it up and it all comes flooding back. I'm sorry I left you for so long. But you are not what I thought. You were here waiting patiently for me to realise that this will never go away. My mind is filled with ideas again and its so simple once I allow myself the time to indulge. I will be back more often that is what I promise. But for now lets enjoy the feeling of the rain falling on my face ever so softly. I love dancing in the rain. Its that feeling that I can't describe. Its too good to be true and so are you. Its dripping down my neck and down my spine. I wish for all the things I see in my dreams to come back to me once again. And I'm running, running towards all that is good for me. Its happening its really really happening. A smile creeps in and you turn away.